Archive for the ‘Relationship’ category

Who am I?

September 4, 2012

You know, when you stop and dwell about things, you get tearful and upset. Well, for me at least. That’s why I prefer to get on with stuff and try not to delve too deeply into how things are for me at the moment.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m good. Nothing bad’s happened. Apart from the fact I feel exhausted and I don’t really have any time to myself. Yes I do maybe, but I’m usually too exhausted to do what I want to do when I have a free moment or two.

We were just having a chat in the car, my husband and I. I said I had a difficult day with Lucien. Life is now very different. I don’t really recognise me. Who am I and what have I done with me? His reply was, you have become Mummy.

Some nights I just lay there thinking of my family whom I haven’t seen in 7 months. My frail, poorly grandmother and the days she used to be well and strong. When she used to cook up a feast for 20 people. Sometimes I worry that when I get up in the morning and look at my phone there will be a text to inform me she has died.

Other nights there will be a whole load of other of other stuff on my mind as I lie in bed. Job, money, parenting, the future.

This year so far has been very tough.

Red & Yellow

July 20, 2012

I got a bunch of beautiful red and yellow roses from R yesterday (a belated commemoration of my fourth anniversary in Wales). They are just some inexpensive ones from the shop at the bottom of our street which I always wanted to buy. I put them in a short vase on my dining room table and every time I look at them I can’t help but marvel at how gorgeous they are. They are in such intense shades. The yellow is the colour of an egg yolk and the red is a velvety crimson. My all-time favourite is large white roses but these are equally delectable.

The Adjustment Bureau

June 11, 2012

“Most people live life on the path we set for them. Too afraid to explore any other. But once in a while people like you come along and knock down all the obstacles we put in your way. People who realise free will is a gift, you’ll never know how to use until you fight for it. I think that’s The Chairman’s real plan. And maybe, one day, we won’t write the plan. You will.”

The Adjustment Bureau struck a chord with me. Perhaps I saw myself as Matt Damon, determined to overcome whatever standing in my way to be with the person I love.

At the end of the movie, I told R, “Oh my god! I’m Matt Damon!!”

He said, “You met who?”


If you believe in writing your own fate and beating the odds, this movie is inspiring.

When life gives you lemon

June 5, 2012

… make lemonade?

I have tried to keep myself busy the whole day so I will stop thinking of the fact that I was meant to be on the plane home tonight, but instead, I am sitting at home with a well-stocked fridge.

It has been a terribly stressful month.

My problem is such that no matter from which angle you looked at it, you would discover a different problem. Perhaps what’s far worse is, the situation is such that none of the 100 million possible solutions I can think of will ever work.

I don’t think I’ve ever felt so frustrated in my life.

I’ve tried very hard not to place blame, not to allow myself to go crazy thinking about “what if I had…”, because what’s the point of harping on the past?

Instead of allowing my emotions to take over, I’ve forced myself to focus on what needs to be done.

I have relied on the kindness of strangers this week to stay afloat.

Things are bad but like R said tonight, “Hey, at least no-one died.”

I’ll be prepared to share and explain the details when all this ends.

On marriage #2

April 28, 2012

My mother asked me if I regretted getting married because she said if she could live her life again, she would choose to be single.

I don’t regret getting married but I do sometimes wonder if it was a good idea to have a child (usually when Lucien is whining, screaming, kicking and misbehaving, which is quite often these days). He does have quite a powerful impact on one’s mental well-being. I love kids, but I desperately need back-up, which I currently don’t have and thus for everyone’s sanity, we will stop at one.

“One alarming fact jumps out from the research about happiness and marriage: marital satisfaction drops substantially after the first child arrives. The disruptive presence of new babies and teenagers, in particular, puts a lot of pressure on marriages, and discontent spikes when children are in these stages.” (p. 39, The Happiness Project, Gretchen Rubin)

I don’t regret marrying R. Yes he is the messiest, most talkative and over-opinionated person I have ever met, but he is also a responsible and committed father and husband who doesn’t spend his free time getting pissed at the pub, doing laddish stuff and leaving child rearing to me or squandering his money on fags or any other rubbish. I have come to realise this recently: that I have been overlooking my husband’s virtues by always concentrating on his flaws.

Our marriage is not in trouble but with a toddler, things can get stressful and sometimes you forget to love. Parts of The Happiness Project have been quite interesting and thought-provoking. I have blogged about marriage some months before but constantly working on my marriage is a priority to me because “a good marriage is one of the factors most strongly associated with happiness”. (p.39, The Happiness Project, Gretchen Rubin). I don’t really know what defines a good, happy marriage, but I do know having one doesn’t come easy (at least for me), and I am constantly learning.

Happy New Year!

December 30, 2011

Yesterday I spent four hours in town by myself, checking out the winter sale. I spent an hour (ONE HOUR!) in the Cath Kidston store, armed with £90 worth of vouchers. Everything was on sale. I looked through every part and every corner of the store, touched everything and soaked in all the prettiness, and took my time to choose gifts for myself and friends.

When the cashier told me all the items I had put in my basket rung up to £75, I said, “So much? Surely that’s not right, is it?” She went to get her manager and we checked all my purchases. Apparently, it WAS right, I did bloody well spent £75 and at that point I wished I could have dug a hole to hide my big-ass embarrassed face. It was a LONG time ago since I have spent so much in a single receipt, apart from when we go food shopping.

Right after I left the Cath Kidston store, I went straight into the Jo Malone shop and blew £78 on cologne and a candle. Spending so much money evoked a lot of guilt but I decided what the hell I should treat myself at least once a year. I’d planned on getting these for myself for a long time and I experienced what I can only describe as a wonderful cathartic release from the girl who normally only ransacks the sale bins.

The sales staff who served me took care and attention in packing my purchases: getting the right-sized boxes, stuffing it with black tissue paper, wrapping the the boxes with beautiful black grosgrain ribbons so expertly they came out as perfect bows. Her level of customer service reminded me very much of Rowan Atkinson in Love Actually, except of course she was a lot better looking!

As you can see, I’ve hidden my purchases in my drawer so my husband doesn’t find them.

Don’t tell on me!

Happy 2012!

Merry Christmas!

December 25, 2011

My Christmas tradition every year is to buy my husband a chocolate advent calender from Thornton’s, and we share 24 pieces of little chocolates among the two of us.