Poor and bankrupt

I was trying to explain my girlfriends the other day about how time poor and emotionally bankrupt I feel these days.

Well, time poor, it happened after the baby. For me, life’s crazy as a working mommy. I try to buy everything that I need from one place, rather visiting different shops to get them. While I used to go to Bugis or Orchard Road quite frequently to do my shopping and pampering, these days I just shop in heartland malls and get my hair and nails done IF I have spare time, in my neighbourhood. Sometimes I don’t even have time to do essential things like banking and posting. Argh! Whatever little time I have, it is reserved for and spent with the boys (and also for my special girls), and I don’t have energy for anything else. Or should I say, I am reluctant to dish it out for anything or anybody else. I don’t particularly enjoy a lot of social events, and if I do have a spot of me-time, I much rather clean my house, sleep, rest or do my own stuff at home.

And yes, so with not much time nor energy, I also find I have very limited funds in my emotional bank. Relationships (neighbours, friends, acquaintances, colleagues, ex-colleagues, ex-classmates) involve emotions and maintenance. These days I find myself not being able to give anything more than just superficial caring. I have run out of love, I joked to the girls. It is true to some extent I think. How long can you keep going, keep giving and keep cultivating? Especially for relationships that require a lot of support and investment on my part to keep it alive, is it worth all the effort? I’d finally realised some years back (I am a slow learner forgive me, and a naive one too) that people do grow apart, and a day will come when what was once common to us both now no longer binds us together, so instead of trying so hard to keep the connection, perhaps it’s better to cherish the memories we had.

No doubt I have grown up. My life priorities have changed. I am not bitter or cynical, I just have a few more commitments than I had before, and I accept that this is what life is for me at the moment. I thought to myself I am glad I got all my further education and part-time studies completed when I was in single and in my twenties. I was so free and my mind was focused then. Now, because life is crazier, and I’m feeling a bit more tired, I can only give my time and love to the most important thing in my life.

My family.

Explore posts in the same categories: Family, Life

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