Archive for April 2013

Thank you Steve

April 24, 2013

I have always felt I am different. Thank you for reminding me there is nothing wrong with that!

“Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma – which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition.” – Steve Jobs

Other really inspiring quotes from him here.

Poor and bankrupt

April 18, 2013

I was trying to explain my girlfriends the other day about how time poor and emotionally bankrupt I feel these days.

Well, time poor, it happened after the baby. For me, life’s crazy as a working mommy. I try to buy everything that I need from one place, rather visiting different shops to get them. While I used to go to Bugis or Orchard Road quite frequently to do my shopping and pampering, these days I just shop in heartland malls and get my hair and nails done IF I have spare time, in my neighbourhood. Sometimes I don’t even have time to do essential things like banking and posting. Argh! Whatever little time I have, it is reserved for and spent with the boys (and also for my special girls), and I don’t have energy for anything else. Or should I say, I am reluctant to dish it out for anything or anybody else. I don’t particularly enjoy a lot of social events, and if I do have a spot of me-time, I much rather clean my house, sleep, rest or do my own stuff at home.

And yes, so with not much time nor energy, I also find I have very limited funds in my emotional bank. Relationships (neighbours, friends, acquaintances, colleagues, ex-colleagues, ex-classmates) involve emotions and maintenance. These days I find myself not being able to give anything more than just superficial caring. I have run out of love, I joked to the girls. It is true to some extent I think. How long can you keep going, keep giving and keep cultivating? Especially for relationships that require a lot of support and investment on my part to keep it alive, is it worth all the effort? I’d finally realised some years back (I am a slow learner forgive me, and a naive one too) that people do grow apart, and a day will come when what was once common to us both now no longer binds us together, so instead of trying so hard to keep the connection, perhaps it’s better to cherish the memories we had.

No doubt I have grown up. My life priorities have changed. I am not bitter or cynical, I just have a few more commitments than I had before, and I accept that this is what life is for me at the moment. I thought to myself I am glad I got all my further education and part-time studies completed when I was in single and in my twenties. I was so free and my mind was focused then. Now, because life is crazier, and I’m feeling a bit more tired, I can only give my time and love to the most important thing in my life.

My family.

Melancholy

April 4, 2013

I’m not really sure what to make of this week. I was just chugging along, chugging along, and then on Wednesday night as I laid in bed Whatapping with my husband, I suddenly started crying and could not stop my tears.

It’s so difficult being apart. Yes we have been apart before, and for very long periods, but somehow at this point in time, I really feel I can’t do without his support physically and emotionally. When I was younger, I had the company of friends and colleagues. We all had no parental or family responsibilities so we could spend a lot of time together. But as we get older and we all lead our own busy lives and prioritise family over our pals, I suppose it’s natural that sometimes you feel it’s a little empty in the friends corner. A friendly face or a familiar voice asking, “Hey are you okay? Do you need a hand?”

I find the past week a little intense and overwhelming. I have a lot of doubts and worries on my mind. There were both physical and emotional adjustments to get used to. Getting over jet-lag, getting used to the heat and life in Singapore in general (from banking to grocery shopping to public transport), helping the little one settle in, living with my mother under her roof again after 5 years and re-learning her ground rules, coping with being away from my husband, seeing how weak my grandmother has grown, astonished at how much Lucien has developed…

I feel my system has been attacked by a plethora of feelings, good, bad, weird, sad, happy, tired – they form such a draining effect on me. I had not realised it but the release on Wednesday night was what I needed. After opening the flood gates I felt unmistakably better and promptly fell asleep.

I try not to complain and I try to take everything in my stride. I try to seek contentment and not happiness. It seems like there is a fog hanging over me at the moment. Things are unknown, I can’t see anything or anyone, I feel scared, alone and worried. But life is a struggle, and I am forcing myself to put up a brave front and be strong in front of my mother and Lucien. I pretend to be cheerful and don’t allow anybody to know my true feelings, and it’s only when it’s myself in the dark that I allow my guard to drop and tears to fall.