I am having trouble staying focused as I find myself worrying about my grandmother all the time. She was very very weak when she came out of theatre but is now well enough to be transferred to a normal ward. My Mum said she looks better today although she is still very confused, groggy and dazed.

I’ve been anxiously trying to see if I can get home but I haven’t had the chance to speak to my boss with everyone so busy with work. I’ve also been obsessively checking websites for air-tickets several times a day and just dying to be able to be home to I don’t have to frantically phone my Mum each day for updates.

I wish I could tell my colleagues and friends why I look so blank and pre-occupied but I don’t feel I have a close enough relationship with any of them to share any of this, and besides, what can they say apart from “I’m so sorry about her.” I don’t really need anyone to feel sorry for me or my family. I need support yes, but not pity.

I’ve been allowing myself to be consumed by worry and anxiety over the past few days. I mean what if grandma remains confused forever and doesn’t even know who I am?

But I am trying my best to get a grip and not panic. I’ve been telling myself that while grandma’s condition is serious, her life is not hanging by a thread. And mental confusion after a major surgery and heavy-duty painkillers is very common among the elderly but it usually resolves in a few weeks.

I am trying to be calm and rational but being so far away and so helpless, everything just seems so bleak and frightening.

I just wish there was an easy way out of this.

Explore posts in the same categories: Family, Life

2 Comments on “Fear”

  1. mw Says:

    Hey babe, try to take some deep breaths and slow down. I know it’s tough and all you want to do is be with your family. I totally can imagine being in your shoes since my mum is living abroad too. But try not to let your mum worry about you worrying k? Also it would be a good idea to make a quick trip home. I know I would want to fly to wherever immediately if something cropped up in my family. Let me know if you need help arranging anything or to visit your grandma.

    • tintedglasses Says:

      Hey, I had a talk with bosses yesterday evening and feel better now. They said I can go if I have to, but I want to wait for a while and see how things turn out. I have been asking for a lot of annual leave and unpaid leave and I think I may really be pushing it. While she is very unwell, she is not in danger, and I just want to monitor the situation for a bit before I decide what to do. Thank you for your encouragement!

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