Archive for April, 2008

Yes but no but yes but…

April 30, 2008

I prayed and hoped so much that this would happen.

I put my heart and soul into doing it, and into showing what I’ve got.

I wanted it. I prayed every night.

And now it happened.

And suddenly I am overwhelmed by terror and anxiety.

Suddenly I am afraid and unsure. I want to run away and not face it.

I should have listened to R.

“Be careful what you wish for, because you may get it.”

Arrrrrrrrghhhhhhhhh.. howwwwwwwwwww?

Update: Just got off the phone. There is light at the end of the tunnel. Stay tuned.

Stickers and syringes

April 29, 2008

A few weeks ago I started a reward system for that difficult engineering class which made me cry every lesson. You’d think that at 17 and 18 years old, kids won’t care so much about collecting stickers from teachers anymore, but we are so wrong! Kids are kids and kids luuurve stickers big time! (even the Ah Bengs!)

Each week, I assessed the students’ behaviour based on the Terms and Conditions listed in the reward card. Then, if I find that the student has really tried to follow the rules, I would give him/her a sticker. An accumulation of three stickers entitles them to a Mystery Gift. The next three stickers they accumulate get them a second Mystery Gift. And then, if they do well enough to get the last set of stickers, I would take them to Swensen’s.

It was a surprisingly good lesson I had last week. Students were generally pretty hyped up about this sticker system because I was going to give out the first Mystery Gift. Barely thirty minutes (as compared to the usual 45 mins) into the class, I had the whole class nicely seated in their chairs.

Somebody’s mobile phone rang. “Oh oh teacher, he didn’t switch off his phone. No sticker for him.” One boy came late. “Oh oh teacher, he’s not punctual. No sticker for him.” I smiled at how cute they were at taking this system seriously.

You wouldn’t believe it, because I didn’t believe it. We started on our assignment. It involved writing two pages of job application letter. I didn’t know how they’d take to that much writing. Oh but lo and behold, they actually sat down and did it. There were even quiet moments in the otherwise crazily noisy class. All were writing, thinking, carefully putting their letters together.

I thought they wouldn’t be able to do it and wanted to give them an easier version of the assignment, but I am thankful that I was too lazy to create that version. Why was I silly enough to think they could not do it? Why didn’t I realise it was a question of ‘would’ and not ‘could’?

Later, I gave out the Mystery Gift – syringe-shaped pens bought from Bangkok. They were very well-received. Many of them don’t bring pens to class so I hope by giving them a pen with an interesting design, they would not chuck it away like any other. 

Those who didn’t get enough stickers to exchange for the pen crowded around my table to plead with me. I told them if they wanted it, they had to follow the rules. I hope this would motivate them to want to do well in order to collect the stickers.

I know the miraculously good behaviour may be just coincidental or one-off but at least now I no longer have the urge to vomit everytime Thursday comes around.

The heat

April 28, 2008

Paralysed me

Willed me into inactivity

The burning sun

34 degrees

Welded every joint together

Unable to think or function

Or even move an inch

I just laid there

Handicapped by the afternoon heat

The humidity

The dense air

My head heavy and empty

My eyes fought and fluttered

But gave in to drowsiness

Can you keep a secret

April 27, 2008

Were you ever betrayed by friends or even family members who can’t keep secrets? When I was still in the PR agency, I was hurt when I found out my ex-colleague failed to keep my plans about furthering my studies to herself. She even went on to tell my ex-bosses, who later came to question me.

Why do we share our secrets with others if they are meant to be secrets? Aren’t we shooting ourselves in the foot? Why can’t we just keep things to ourselves? Why do we get angry when we tell someone something and s/he in turn tells somebody else? Why do we tell people, “eh keep it to yourself ok?” if it’s something not meant to be told?

There are too many rumours and secrets circulating around the workplace. People get hurt when you don’t tell them your secrets or when their secrets get passed around like a glossy magazine.

Why keep secrets?

Everyone should just issue daily press releases to each other on their plans, history and updates. That way the trashy ones won’t have any exclusive stories or gossip to cover.

Either that, or don’t even trust anyone. Zip your mouth.

I like boring

April 27, 2008

I spent my Saturday wrapped in my flowery sheets, cuddling my superduper smelly 15-year-old bolster (I’ve given it a new checkered cover), holding my hair up with a polka-dotted hairband, daydreaming in bed with my eyes closed, or reading with eyes wide open.

Bliss!

Home therapy

April 26, 2008

The Girls’ Home moved to Macpherson some months ago and today was their official opening. I was initially reluctant to go in this blazing heat but decided I should show my support. I arrived in the middle of the worship session and was immediately greeted by a loud “Jiejie!” from one of the girls, JiaJia. Seeing how happy she was to see me was already well-worth the effort.

Later I was moved to tears as I watched them sing on stage and pray with the guests. I am happy to see they have come this far despite their struggles. I am especially proud of Dee, one of our ex-Sports Management student who was once a victim of abuse but now works full-time at the Home to help organise different sports classes for the girls.

They showed me around the Home and took me to see Doctor Fish, which come up to feed on the dead skin on your hands and feet when you put them in the water. I had a go at this hand spa therapy. It was pretty cool, knowing you were providing food and getting a beauty treatment in return! 

I also got to meet Waffles the Rabbit, who looks exactly like the brown bunny I wanted to keep. Oh he is such a gentle bouncy Peter Rabbit lookalike the girls kept.

  

I had a unexpectedly pleasant morning, much to my own surprise. It just made me realised how much I’ve missed out during these weeks where due to laziness, I’ve been out of action.

Grandma’s remedy

April 25, 2008

I came home last night deadbeat and had to lie on the sofa for a few minutes before heading upstairs to my room. Grandma asked me what was wrong. I said I was tired. I felt listless and running out of steam.

This evening, I came home and Grandma made me American ginseng (yew sim) soup with wolfberries. It’s supposed to boost my energy levels and help me keep an alert mind. Homemade hot broths and watery porridge are my comfort foods.

Nothing soothes me more than a piping hot bowl of bittersweet herbal ginseng soup, made with Grandma’s love and smells of home.

Unfaithful

April 25, 2008

Often the most memorable movies are those with a simple plot. I watched Unfaithful (2002) at home the other night and found it to be an unexpectedly powerful film. The story is about how a housewife (Diane Lane) begins an affair with a charming French book-seller (Olivier Martinez) after a chance meeting. 

This mother of a nine-year-old wasn’t looking out for an affair yet can’t help but get sucked into this whirlwind relationship based on raunchy sex. But look beyond the steamy sex scenes for something deeper.

With wonderful cinematography and a keen eye for detail, the movie demonstrates the scary control that emotions have over us and also paints the consequences of our decisions. 

To throw away a happy family life, to forget about being a responsible mother, to hurt those who love, to take away somebody else’s life, to deny someone a proper burial, to lie and be tortured by our guilt forever.

If only, on that day, we did not make that choice, if we took another route, what life would we lead now? If fate led us to an opportunity to cheat, would we do it, thinking nobody would ever find out or get hurt?

Some reviewers have said this film is a powerful deterrence to having an affair. I’m afraid I gotta agree.

Cos an affair might be thrilling and orgasmic but living with its consequences is hell.

Lane: We could end this now and nobody would get hurt.

Martinez: I would.

It’s just a little crush

April 24, 2008

I have a crush on the IT guy. It’s so silly to have crushes at this age, no? He’s not tall, dark or good-looking. Actually, he’s geeky, boyish, small-sized, fair and uhm, quite young I think.

But oh dear, I can’t talk or look him in the eye without giggling like a schoolgirl or turning pink. And I simply love it when he puts on his rimless glasses and looks so decent. Oh no, this is not very professional or becoming, is it? I am embarrassed.

Oh if only I was a young, Malay teacher, I would make sure my laptop breaks down everyday!

不见了的铁树

April 23, 2008

刚进来学校的时候, 我到IKEA买了一盆巴西铁树布置一下自己的桌子。

每当放假, 铁树没人浇水, 就会枯死一点。它的叶子渐渐脱落, 树皮又湿又软, 眼见是不行了。

后来, 我把铁树交由琴姐姐照料。她喜欢栽培花花草草, 快要死了的盆栽到了她手上一般都会起死回生。

琴姐姐把铁树带到楼下去晒太阳。我上课忙,后来也没时间问琴姐姐铁树恢复地如何。

有一天,琴姐姐来告诉我,有人把铁树搬走了。从此我们就再也没有找回它。

陪伴我到学校的铁树失踪了。

而我刚拿起教鞭时的那份热忱,是否也随着遗失的铁树烟消云散?

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The lost dracaena

When I first joined the College, I bought a pot of dracaena fragrans from IKEA to spruce up my work desk.

It died off little by little everytime the holidays came around, because I wouldn’t be here to water it. Its leaves dropped off and its bark turned wet and soggy.

I later decided to entrust the plant to Auntie K, known for having green fingers and her ability to revive dying plants.

She took it to the garden downstairs to get some sun. Being busy with work, I did not follow up with Auntie K on its recovery process.

One day, Auntie K came to tell me that the dracaena was missing. Somebody removed it, she said, and we never found it.

The plant which accompanied me to the College is forever gone.

How about the enthusiasm which I brought with me as I entered the teaching profession? Is it gone too?